As you may have figured out by now, music runs in my veins, and it is something that speaks to my soul on a very deep and personal level. It is a means by which God communicates encouragement to me, and quite often I discover songs right at the moment I most need to hear them. This year was full of such songs, and since I listened to quite a bit of music that was released either this year or late last year, I thought it fitting to write a post on some of my top ten favourites.
The first time I heard of NEEDTOBREATHE was at a Third Day concert earlier this year where they guest starred. I was hooked by their folk rock sound, and this song’s message and rhythm in particular won my heart. As you know, I have brothers who are incredibly dear to me, one of whom was still going through a really tough time, and this song spoke nearly everything I was feeling for him. On top of this song, I also loved their live album:
Lead Us Back, Third Day
A Live Worship Experience, Casting Crowns
Blanca

Kintsukuroi -

(n.) (v. phr.) "to repair with gold"; the art of repairing pottery with gold or silver lacquer and understanding that the piece is more beautiful for having been broken.

"The way to love someone is to lightly run your finger over that person's soul until you find a crack, and then gently pour your love into that crack.” — Keith Miller

This is why I love broken people - why I love people who hurt, who have bruised hearts and aching souls. People who are real about the pain they are in, or the struggle of life they are going through. People who cling to the cross with ferocity. People fragile and afraid, who are scared to open those hidden places of their hearts, yet have the courage to do so anyway. People who are ravenous for truth, who are transparent in their fight, and are raw in their desperate need for Jesus.

Because if I can't find any cracks in the surface... If your life is so perfect on the outside that no one knows any of your pain, or if you can't share the struggle of dying to yourself day-by-day; if a superficial image and shallow conversation is the best that can be offered... if you keep everything inside, and are so tightly closed that you are incapable of being vulnerable and raw about anything - even the things you are most passionate about - if you're as smooth and flawless as plastic... If I can't find any cracks...

...How can I love you?

The people in my life who have loved me most are those who have seen my worst: those deep recesses of my heart where nothing is pretty, but dark and afflicted. But there is something intrinsic in a shared struggle, or an honest pain. Like the gold in Kintsukuroi, a person becomes more beautiful for having revealed their hurt; opening it like a door for your own hurt to enter in. It is when we are courageously vulnerable with each other that the love of Jesus is most visible, for He loved us in this same way. He saw our pain and futile struggle and entered right into the midst of it - meeting us in our agony and taking it onto Himself. God eternal poured Himself into the deepest cracks of our humanness, and brought about the redemption of mankind in glorious victory. Are we not called to love one another in our brokenness, too? Do we have a right to hide ourselves from each other?

When was the last time you showed the cracks in your soul? When was the last time you poured yourself into someone else's?

Somehow You had a way of seeing

Just how deep my wound could go

Oh but You were never scared

To run and meet me there

And that's how I know

If you want to love someone

Search their soul for where it's broken

Find the cracks and pour your heart in

That's what You did…

One of the most amazing things about the human heart is its capacity to love. I think it's a testament to the love of God and how our souls were made to crave it; to run on it, to be empowered and enlarged by it.

 I once read a book about a boy that was adopted by a loving set of parents who later found out they were expecting a baby. The boy panicked, thinking that this family he had grown to love were going to send him away since they would now have the number of children they'd always wanted. His adopted Mum sat down with him and explained how when she was expecting her second child, she panicked too. She already loved her first daughter 100%. How could she share that love with another baby? But that was not how love works. She loved each of her children - adopted or not - completely. She loved each child 100%. And I'm beginning to get what she meant.

Close your eyes. Just think about all the people you love, those closest to you. Think on all the people you care about, and how different each and every one of them are. I don't know about you, but my heart does strange things when I stop to think about that. It is as if with each face that comes to mind, my heart surges with affection, or admiration, or protectiveness or hilarity. Every person that I love, when I think about them, invokes a wholehearted response, yet each completely different. Each swell of emotion is full of subtle nuances of love in a variety of forms — as if the uniqueness of each individual wrote its own way for me to love them, and is full of their own personality and character. Yet in the many ways I deeply value each individual in their originality, it can all be contained in the single word "love".

Isn't that incredible? Isn't that so like God? That He would express His love in innumerable facets, like an impossible diamond? Every little thing about a person that causes your heart to enlarge is just a glint of God's love shining out of them and entering your own heart: a quadrillionth of the whole that is God Himself, in you.

I think the heart's capacity to love can never be reached; its maximum never attained. After all, if God is infinite, likewise His love would be limitless for our minds to comprehend. I imagine our hearts could be likened to a vast catacomb of rooms, where each new person to walk into your heart causes a door to open into a room you never knew was there - completely unique and set apart from all the others. Yet no matter how many doors are opened, we will never get to the end of the house.

Sometimes you see a light come on underneath a door. Very slowly the door begins to creak open and you can peek in, seeing a shadowy figure in the corner, which you have to take the time to draw them out into the open. Other doors are thrown open with a gust of wind and stepping inside takes your breath away. Sometimes you find yourself in a hallway of open doors unexpectedly, and suddenly there's a whole new wing of the house in existence you never knew was there, and you wonder how you lived without it. Other times walls come tumbling down, tearing out old debris and making the room so much larger and more inviting than it ever was before.

It's an overwhelming and sometimes frightening thing to explore the house that is one's heart. I've felt the temptation to close all of the doors and stay inside the rooms I am most familiar with. Yet at the same time I've felt the exhilaration and awe of God throwing up the shades to let light pour into great ballrooms in such a show of glory that it causes tears to flow freely down my face. It's a beautiful ache to feel one's heart growing larger, making room for the people you meet, and the love of God to pour into and through you.

 It is beautiful, but it hurts. Sometimes you find yourself outside of the door to rooms you lived in your whole life, but now see your Father gently closing. To love anything is to be vulnerable, and to be vulnerable means to be hurt and sometimes be scarred. But scars can carry love, too. After all: the Man who loved most still has the scars to prove it. Should we expect love to be anything less for us?

It's been amazing to look back on the many experiences God has brought me through, enlarging my heart in the process. At times I can be cowardly and want to withhold love; refrain from opening doors. With so many people to love already, can I really handle anyone else? Shouldn't I just be content with those I already know? Do I have room for more?

Silly heart. If I house the Spirit of the Living God, I cannot out-love Him. Throughout the world, and the many places I wander; wherever He takes me, He gives me love enough. I can vividly remember times over the years where God has thrown rooms open to love and my heart was enlarged so suddenly that the beautiful pain caught in my throat and brought me to tears. I can still now recall the feelings; it was overwhelming and humbling to be shown a love and find I'd been given His love to return. I know I will continue to experience this stretching till the day I die: exploring every last nook and cranny of this heart my Father calls home. May it ever be His, never ceasing to invite whoever He wills inside.

"If my heart was a house, You'd be home." — Owl City

"Dwell in Me, and I will dwell in you. Abide in Me, and I will abide in you. Just as no branch can bear fruit of itself without abiding in (being vitally united to) the vine, neither can you bear fruit unless you abide in Me. I have loved you, [just] as the Father has loved Me; abide in My love [continue in His love with Me]." — John 15:4, 9 AMP

“You have heard the law that says, ‘Love your neighbor’ and hate your enemy. But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven. For he gives his sunlight to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust alike. If you love only those who love you, what reward is there for that? Even corrupt tax collectors do that much. If you are kind only to your friends, how are you different from anyone else? Even pagans do that.” – Matthew 5:43-47

“Owe no one anything except to love one another, for he who loves another has fulfilled the law.” – Romans 13:8

“If one is loyal to a good cause gone bad, it is time to cease being loyal. This is not disloyalty for one to consider their morale status over loyalty to something that is contrary to what they uphold and believe in. Yes be loyal, but know always what it is you are being loyal to. People, places, and things, are always subject to change.” “A better way to live instead of being loyal is to be honest. Honesty will do everything that loyalty can do for you and even more. Rather than being 'loyal' to your wedding vows, be honest to them. You took them, now honor them. Rather than being 'loyal' to your job, being honest to your job. You got hired, now do an honest day's work for an honest day's pay.” – Comments from Debate.org.

During my growing up years, there was a specific term I used for a particular kind of friend that I had in certain seasons of my life. However, there was this nagging doubt in the back of my mind every time I used it that – someday – It would cease to be true. That's when I vaguely discovered, but have only now learnt, the simple yet hard-to-swallow truth: BFF's do not exist.

Okay, so that’s not entirely true. Some people have been blessed with forever friends who have done life with them for countless years, and are the kind of people to stick by you through thick and thin, warts and all. I do believe that some friendships actually do last a lifetime.

But note I only said “some”.

In my experience, and from observing the experiences of those around me, I believe that not all friendships are made to last forever (everyone who voted “loyalty” on my friendship poll are picking up rocks right about now). But before you stone me, hear me out, and I’ll explain why.

Life changes. Circumstances change. Experiences change. The only surety we have whilst we live and breathe our few short years on this planet is that change is inevitable, and it comes in all shapes and sizes – sizes that not all friendships can fit into. Not only do these things change around us, they also make changes inside us: tastes change, personalities evolve, interests and likes differ from what they used to be, the things you hold sacred (or don’t hold sacred) adapt and bend as you mature in years, or quite simply, your lives take different paths. All these things affect our friendships, be they negative or positive effects, and very rarely do the conditions a friendship is born in remain the same year in and year out. Thus, when two people end up in two different worlds, it’s seldom possible for the friendship to remain the same way it was when it began.

“Now wait a minute,” some of you are saying. “Does that mean the friendship cannot grow or is not worth fighting for? What of loyalty? Would you just throw a friendship away because it no longer meets your requirements?”

No, no, and no. But sometimes you have to critically examine what you consider worth fighting for without being taken in by blind loyalty. Take this example:

If you were in a friendship where you were never listened to, never understood, never invested in, and every attempt you made to build bridges, speak truth, or invest in that person were taken as condemnation or an attack, so you could neither give any input into the relationship nor get any output out of it; loyalty aside, would the relationship be good for either of you?

The answer is no. The Bible frequently states that bad company corrupts good morals (1 Cor. 15:33) and that our relationships with one another should be edifying (Rom. 14:19, 1 Thess. 5:11). If the company of someone is corrupting your faith, and neither party is being edified, then the friendship is a destructive one that should not last forever – for both sakes.

“But what of loyalty? What of ‘love covers a multitude of sins’ and being Jesus’ example of unfailing love?” You say.

Two things. One: there is a difference between being a friend, and a friendship. We are called to shew ourselves friendly (Prov. 18:24) and to owe each other love (Rom. 13:8). And I’m all for that! If anyone rocks up on my doorstep and needs to use the phone, it’s all theirs, and if I happen upon someone crying in the mall bathrooms, I’d be more than happy to be a shoulder they can cry on. We are to be the hands and feet of Jesus, and be living examples of His unconditional love. We are never to withhold anything that is in our hand to give (Prov. 3:27), and this includes kindness, generosity, and love. However, having said that, loving people in this way is different to fellowship. There is no law in the Bible against loving others, but there are ample warnings about who we spend the most of our time with. Friendships are very important, and are not things to be taken lightly. People that you allow into your inner circle help shape your world and your worldview, which in turn, affects your relationship with God. If it is something that will affect that relationship, then I believe it should come under some pretty intense scrutiny. Are your friends pointing you upwards or downwards? Are you willing to sacrifice part of your relationship with your heavenly Father for an earthly friend? However well-meaning you may be, this is actually no help to your friend. Which leads to my second point in response to that question –

You are not Jesus. I know this may seem like the most obvious of statements, but seriously, we sometimes think we are. We think that it’s our job to love someone to freedom, forgive them to repentance, and exhort them to sanctification. This is not true. When friendships get tough, and begin to become a weight on your shoulders to the point you’re a person’s crutch, you are not helping that person. Our friends do not need a crutch, they need a Saviour. They don’t need a prison buddy, they need a Rescuer. They don’t need a packhorse, they need to change yokes. If a relationship gets to the point where they are trying to make you their Jesus, you won’t make a good stand-in, and sticking around for them won’t teach them to walk to God and lean on Him. They will simply continue to limp along on the back of someone else (#HarshTruth). Some friendships simply are not healthy for all involved, and for this reason, should not last forever. 

 Though a lot of the reasons I’ve mentioned for non-lasting friendships have been negative, sometimes there are positive reasons for a relationship’s end as well. When friends get married, for one. Contrary to popular belief, I don’t believe it’s healthy for a guy who is getting married to have a close friend with some other girl, and vice versa. Marriage is a sacred friendship, and the one you marry should be your best friend. No one else should cut in on that type of relationship, even as a friend.  God said a man should cleave unto his wife once he leaves his parents (Gen. 2:24, Eph. 5:28-31), and I don’t believe this applies to just the “married” part of the marriage sense, either. When marriage relationships form between a friend and someone else, for the sake of their relationship, that friendship needs to be released. This isn’t to say you can’t become great friends with the two as a couple. But any "close friend-ness" should between the husband and the wife, not the third wheel. It leads to confiding, which leads to secrets, which can lead to compromise. Simply speaking, there’s a reason God designed marriage for two people only. It should be kept that way.

One last reason not all friendships last forever, is simply that God destines some people to be in your life for a certain length of time. Maybe it was to show you something specific, or teach you something you would need in the future. I have had many friends over the years that have come and gone so quickly, and yet the lessons I learnt and the blessings I received from them have been priceless gifts in the time since. It’s not easy to lose someone, or to say goodbye to what you had with a friend. It can come with regrets and pain, or it can be a joyful time of a new door opened in someone’s life. We may not always understand why some people were in our lives, or what God meant to achieve through them. However we can be reassured that if we are striving to live a life that honours God, and are in obedience to what His will is for us, He will bless every encounter and every friendship with some good, even if it takes us until eternity to see exactly what it was. Which is where I come to my last point:

Above all, Jesus is our closest friend and He is our greatest example when it comes to friendships. Not all Jesus' friends He had whilst on earth were relationships that lasted forever (on earth). He had the 5,000, the 12, the 2, and the 1. His friendships with all those people were different, but He didn't let anyone replace the relationship He had with the Father, and neither should we. It’s guaranteed that friends will come and go our whole lives, but God promises to never leave us nor forsake us (Deut. 31:6). He alone is faithful, He alone never fails. He is always encouraging, always truthful, always loving, ever kind. Countless times He reminds us through His Word that though friends are precious, we are to put our trust and faith in Him alone.

Do not trust in a friend; do not put your confidence in a companion.
– Micah 7:5 

It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man.
– Psalm 118:8  

Though Proverbs tells us that to have friends we must ourselves be friendly, often we can overlook the latter part of the verse that states: there is a Friend who sticks closer than a brother. That Friend is Jesus. There is no recipe or method for forming a friendship that is guaranteed to last forever, even though there are some that do. They can be strengthened by a foundation of honesty and authenticity, and nurtured by love and respect. But most often, lifetime friends last a lifetime because two people have the same best friend (BFF) in Jesus. He is our mediator, our joy, our strength, our peace, and our comforter. When we allow Him first place in our lives and build our friendships in Him, that is the place true friendships are born, because He alone is a constant presence in our lives Who will never change.

There are three things in life that I’ve decided I no longer have time for – hairdryers, United States Postal Service, and fakeness. But mostly, just fakeness.

In case you’re wondering, I don’t mean cheap chocolate that tastes like soap, or plastic flowers. I mean fakeness in people. You know the kind I’m talking about. When someone suffers from fakeness, for some reason or another, they simply cannot find it within themselves to be 100% genuine with you.

This has a variety of symptoms, of which I will list a few that I’m sure you will recognize.

·         Agreeing with you on everything because they aren’t secure enough to disagree
·         Sticking to “safe topics” in every conversation
·         Going with the flow of whatever the majority votes for
·         Not being open about their faith (or lack thereof)
·         Playing down any concerns you may have for them
·         Not telling the truth and/or hiding information
·         An unwillingness to vouch their opinion
·         Changing the subject when something starts to get deep

Any of those sound familiar? They do to me, because I’ve been tempted to put on the fake before as well. But I gave it up. Why? Because time has shown me that it not only dishonours God by being dishonest about who He created me to be, it’s also destructive to friendships.

I’ve been wanting to write the beginning of this series on friendship for a long time, and in preparation for it, I ran a few surveys on Google+ and Instagram. I posed the question, “What is the most important thing to you personally in a friendship?” A lot of the results I got back were surprisingly in line with my suspicions -

“Grace and authenticity! And KINDNESS. So many people only want to take, not give.”

“Investment. Goes hand in hand with authenticity I believe, but true friends invest their time and attention in you.”

“Godliness would sum it up for me. Part of that is faithfulness, and the older I get the more I realize how rare it is to have faithful friends, the ones who see you at your worst and don't turn their faces away, who stand with you in prosperity and in affliction, who generously forgive and are in the relationship for the long haul.”

“Authenticity [and] honesty are very important for me. Commitment is VERY important. I can't expect to ever be good friends with someone if I'm not willing to invest myself in the relationship, to laugh with them, cry with them, share my good moments (and hard moments too)... Basically, I think openness and commitment are about at the top of my list.”

All incredibly insightful thoughts, and I could see a central theme beginning to emerge through all the comments. Since receiving this feedback, I now feel bold enough to make the statement that resonates with my gut feeling: The most important factor in a friendship is authenticity. 

Yes, there are so many important traits to a friendship, and different people with different experiences will undoubtedly value different things in their friendships. Trust, love, loyalty and faithfulness are all incredible pillars that uphold a good relationship, and I do not discount them at all. However I believe that in a successful friendship, those pillars all rest on the single foundation of authenticity.

Reason being is that we are all human, and no matter how hard we try, we can never hide who we really are for long. If we enter a relationship trying to look a certain way in how we think, speak and act, though it may take time, eventually the façade will come crumbling down and the foundation of your friendship will be washed away by the phrase, they just weren't who I thought they were. 

So why fake it? No one wants to be known as something they aren't, but if we're truly honest, the reason we do it is because it's safe. Sometimes it's simply easier to settle for a fake image and fun times with a friend rather then getting real. Authenticity is messy. Once you start getting vulnerable, all your junk comes to the surface: your pride, your insecurities, your pet peeves, your irritations, and a whole host of other unflattering flaws. It opens your heart to the risk of rejection, and it's taking the leap of faith to put your trust in another person's human hands. It calls for tears and words, both of which can be misinterpreted and misconstrued. But here's the thing: nothing worthwhile comes easy. In a world where we are all connected via social media, and everyone is a phonecall away, we all feel the weight of isolation and the loneliness of cardboard friendships. Fake simply isn't working. Granted, it's a risk to be real. But when you are real with someone from the beginning, you are starting at the start. You don't have a plastic image of yourself you need to tear down before your friend sees you as you truly are.

"But, what if people don't like the real me?"

Well, you've saved yourself from wasting time on another fake person too shallow afraid to love you as you are. That is the drawback to being unauthentic. You fail to reach the depth of friendship that real people know and enjoy on a whole new level. You will not be able to connect with someone in the same joys and pains of knowing each other's heart so personally. You will however, have a keener understanding of what loneliness is behind the safety of your fake mask. I think the world recognizes that fairweather friends just aren't meeting that deep human need inside, yet still aren't willing to take the plunge and let themselves be real.

Having said all of the above, this does not mean that the minute you meet someone you should tell them your life story in one hit. There are definitely levels of 'getting-to-know' a person, and it takes time to cultivate a relationship. The thing that I am standing up against, is the fakeness. The pretending. The path of fear that chooses to be deceitful, covering up in order to save face. Please. Don't do it. It's not worth it. I've seen the devastation of believing the lie that you can hold things together forever and build relationships on it. It simply does not work, and it's not the way God designed relationships to work. Love and trust and loyalty are precious, but they are on shaky legs if they're trying to exist on an imaginary platform. Only out of being truly authentic can real love, trust, and loyalty grow.

Jesus said that we shall know the truth, and the truth shall set us free (Jn. 8:32). When you know Jesus, you know the truth. So why do we feel better wearing a lie? The truth is that the image we are attempting to uphold is a lie, and it chains us to fake relationships that are unfulfilling and unsatisfying. Jesus came that we might have life and life abundantly, so if we desire to have genuine friendships that last, we need to be truthful and honest with each other. It is the truth of who we are - and who Jesus is in us - that sets us free. Not conforming to an imaginary image. Allowing Jesus the freedom to work in us and our relationships opens the door to a greater understanding of each other, and the outworking of Jesus' love in us. After all, wasn't it Jesus Himself who prayed that we would know unity as He and the Father knew it? I'm guessing He knows best how good friendships are formed.

I know that I have blogged a lot about being real before, but I thought to start this series on the right foot, I needed to address it again. Beautiful people, be encouraged. The person you are on the inside, you know that real one that shouts angry and impatient at your little sibling because they won't stop talking, that person who struggles deep down about not knowing what the heck they're doing with their life and can't seem to get it right, the person who has low days where hope and faith is hard, the person who gets high on sugar and talks ridiculously fast in a stupid accent, the person who stumbles and trips, the person who fails and falls - that person - is a beautiful mess, and is so much more worth knowing than a boring perfect person with their life apparently all together. You want to know why?

Because none of us are perfect, and when it comes to friendships, there is no better friend than one who can understand the height of our humanness, yet encourages us to look at the depth of God's grace. A friend who shows you their heart - that is a friend you'll want to hold onto. Take the dare. Be real with people. It's a scary door to open, but oh! How worth it. Let's not be fake. Let's be real.