Isn't it love
This rain that falls
On the sinners and the saints
Isn’t it love -
This well that won’t run dry?
- Andrew Peterson
Sitting at her computer in the dark, the glow of her screen
glared in her face. Yet in spite of its brightness, her gaze drifted often to
watch the moon rising through the silhouetted trees outside her window. A blank
document was open, and she knew she had to write, but the moon’s pale face kept
beckoning her eyes to drift, much as her thoughts did back over the past year.
Memories. Dreams. Sorrows. Joys. All of them had played
their parts in the last twelve months of her life. Skipping onto the stage
without their cues like so many careless actors, they performed a merry dance
before her eyes, and she watched on – confusedly wondering where they had come
from and why they were there. What purpose had they served? The past year
spread out in her imagination like a grand map, the twists and turns of her
life’s journey obvious upon the page. However there were so many dead ends and
question marks scattered around the narrow path that it made her wonder what
purpose they served.
Trials. Lessons. Rebukes. Confessions. These dark performers
had starred in the drama that was her year as well. But she wasn’t thinking
about them. No – she leaned back in her chair and glanced back again to the familiar
moon out her window – no, it wasn’t any of these things that occupied her mind.
It was the highlight of her year she recalled to mind. It was one incident that to anyone else would
have been called nothing. It was a drop of
goodness in an ocean of cares and worries, hopes and dreams. It was a spark of
hidden treasure in miles of sand. It was the moon in a vast universe of night. One
tiny encounter.
It was her first trip. She had never been on a bus before,
let alone travelled five hours all by herself on one. After the initial anxiety
of working out which bus she had to switch to, and establishing just when she'd
be getting off, she found to her surprise that she was quite enjoying the trip.
She had a whole row of seats to herself to spread out her things on, and
leaning up against the large clean window, she peered out at the wide world
flying past her. Yes, she decided. She quite liked this bus trip.
An open book rested in her lap between her hands, the pages
swaying slightly with the motion of travel. She had been reading it, but for
now she was watching the landscape, and thinking; heart beating quietly along
to the music she was listening to through earphones. The life of the man inside
the book inspired her thoughts. Keith Green had become a friend to her during
the hard times of that year, and reading about his life and listening to his
music brought her closer to God and buoyed her on in her walk with the Lord in
more ways than she could describe. Though only November, she reflected on what
her year had been like so far, and all that it had entailed. Outwardly to most
people, she had had a good year, and in all honesty – truly – she had. She had
made new close friends, had new experiences, and had thrived in her passion for
God, His people, and her gift of music. Yet for all this, inwardly, the year
had been hard.
From the very beginning, her dreams and visions for her
future hit her hard, and she hoped for them with an intense passion. Like a
colt held back and checked by the rider’s reins, everything in her strove
against the restraints of her life; desperately, unwaveringly craving the
destiny God had placed in her. She had put those dreams upon people, in the
hopes of relationships; in circumstances and in places, in the hopes of a
change, even though all the while she wanted so much to keep her desires in God’s
hands, and allow her life to be surrendered fully to His will for her. She
loved fiercely, prayed fervently, and hoped long, but the pain of waiting – the
hurtful silence, and the sadness of feeling lost and alone were some of the
hardest valleys she had walked. So this
moment of peace on a bus where she was in the middle of nowhere with not a soul
she knew within a thousand miles, her weary, tired heart seemed to have come to
some kind of parlay with the curveballs of life.
It was here, after trudging out of the yet another dead end,
feeling worn and discouraged, that she looked up. How often God had reminded
her to do that this year, and how quickly she forgot. Now when these things begin to happen, look up and lift up your heads,
because your redemption draws near. (Lk. 21:28). Lifting her head, she
looked out the opposite window, and her breath caught in her throat for a
moment. She saw the rolling landscape stretch to the horizon, and beyond that,
a fraction of the sea, contrasting dark blue against the wide expanse of the cloud-scudded
sky. Andrew Peterson was singing in her ears a song that echoed the voice of
God in her heart –
After all these years
I would’ve thought that all my fears
Were laid to rest
But I still get scared
And I thought that all my troubles
Would be victories by now
But I confess
That the mess is there
But Oh –
I know the work that you began
Is coming to an end someday
After all these years
Tears welled in her eyes as she surveyed the scene. Slowly
the curtain she had unknowingly drawn across her heart was being pulled back;
the veil being lifted. God’s beautiful presence shrouded her as she sat there,
just a young woman on a bus with a book in her hands, and an infinity in her heart. The many hills, the expanse of ocean, the broad sweep of the sky –
God was speaking. Yes, I have loved you
with an everlasting love; Therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you (Jer.
31:3). This was how much she was loved, and that was only a fraction. The sheer
volume of scenery that this single bus window held was only a breath of the
love God had for her. A tear slid down her cheek as the song continued –
You never let go
You never let go
You led me by the hand
Into a land of green and gold
And You never let go
You never let go
Your love endures forever
Wherever I go
After all these years
That’s all that I know
You never let go
You led me by the hand
Into a land of green and gold
And You never let go
You never let go
Your love endures forever
Wherever I go
After all these years
That’s all that I know
In spite of the love she spent, prayers she prayed, and dreams surrendered, all of her hopes came
crumbling down around her by the end of the year. They lay scattered in
the ashes, unfulfilled. Her heart was broken in places, and her destiny was even
further off than it had ever been. Yet
somehow, she found a strength not her own to stand again. She gathered the
shards from the ground, knowing that in mercy gathered, they would be mended and made whole. She
wrestled with all she had been through, and all that had and hadn’t happened.
Where was God leading her? Had she imagined the hope she felt she’d been given?
Just what part had God to play in all of this? She agonized over what could’ve
been missed opportunities, or misunderstandings, yet God was strangely silent.
It hurt, and there were tears. Yet she waited, and God was not finished.
This love God had shown her months before was working. Its
rain had not ceased to fall upon this sinner and saint, and its well had not
run dry; God had not ceased His giving. Through the wreckage of lost hopes and
misplaced purpose, God placed people like stars in the dark of her night. They
needed her, and her purpose in the present was renewed in miraculous ways. If
she was not there to love these people, who would be? Her smile returned, and even
though outwardly it seemed nothing had changed, she recognized that her heart had. God
orchestrated new people into her life with experiences she could empathize with
in ways she never imagined she ever, ever could. She could love those she never thought to be possible, could let go of
what she dreamed for, and was now able to cling to the knowledge that God had better.
He had a plan in all of this. His love had not failed, nor waned as the moon would
on the morrow. She didn’t have to second guess the Almighty, or strive to fulfil
what He had placed in her heart. It would sprout in the right timing, but until
then, she would choose to bloom where she had been planted.
At the beginning, she looked upon the map of her life, and
saw the predictable, because it was good. She wanted what she saw to come true,
and she poured all of her hopes and prayers into that dream. Yet she never
realized that that would be too easy for God to grant. Of course, He could very
well have given her what was predictable, but that would’ve taken very little
trust. It’s easy to rely on a person to take you somewhere when you know the
road you’re travelling. It isn’t so easy to trust a person to take you to a
place where you do not recognize the way. Yet living in this life, with this
God inside her heart, she knew that to trust would be to dare. Could she dare
to trust her God to be unpredictable with her life; to take her places where
she couldn’t guess? Do you dare trust Me?
He asked her, face to face. She looked across the field from where she sat
with Him, a brief moment she had snatched whilst out camping. You could have a life that is predictable,
but where would be the fun in that? God whispered to her soul, her heart
leaping at the call. How could she pass up that adventure?
Sitting in the dark, she stared at the words she had just typed across the screen, quiet and thoughtful. She
listened to the smooth voice filling her headphones –
Through it all
Through it all
My eyes are on You
And it is well
With me
What had she learned this past year? She had learned it’s
possible to wrongly hope too hard for the right things. She had learnt that dreams are
better kept in God’s hands than in her heart. She had learned that God loves her
more than she can understand, but to keep trying anyway. She had learned to hold her sorrow high to light the world. She had learned that love is never wasted, and is
meant to be spent. She had learnt how beautiful grace is in pain. She had
learnt that joy can be felt no matter what she was facing. She had learnt to
let go to the God who never did. She had learnt that through it all, it is well
with her soul. She had learnt – yet again – that her God was good, all the
time.
And she was content. She closed her eyes and breathed in
deeply. She clutched her earphones to
her head and listened to the swelling voices – it is well, it is well, it is well with my soul.
She was held. God had not let go.
He would never let go.
She was ready.
Hello, 2015.
~
And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these
is love.
1 Cor. 13:13
1 Cor. 13:13
*smiles* Love you, Twinnie. God has carried us through '14, and will do so again in the year to come.
ReplyDeleteLove you back, brother. The God who brought us safe thus far is faithful to carry us through to the end. :)
DeleteAmen. :)
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful post Jasmine. It is really eye opening. I honestly don't know what else to say, but the words you've typed make my heart yearn to be closer still to God.
ReplyDelete* hugs *
Then if it's done that, it's done everything. :) * hugs * Love you sweetheart. Thank you for reading. :)
Delete*hugs lovely Jasmine* This blessed me so much. Thank you. <3
ReplyDelete*hugs you tight* So glad, honey. Love you. xox
ReplyDelete*hugs tightly* this. this... *flounders for words, so just hugs again instead* thanks, Bushy. love you lots. :)
ReplyDelete*smiles* You're welcome, precious. *hugs tight* Love you hon.
Delete